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Welcome to our adult relationships humor, funny articles and sex jokes!
Understanding the differences on how men and women differ about oral sex can be very tricky. We hope you gain some insight into a each others thought process, but don't count it! :) Regardless, you might have a good time.
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Blowjobs 101 - Oral Sex Revealed!
Your Oral Copulation Resource Center
Blow Job Pick Up Lines :
Yo Babyee, Wadup? Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me, aight?
(Look down at your crotch) Hi there - Well, It's not just going to suck itself. Fulfill your destiny!
Blow Jobs Question and Answer Time:
Q. Why is it exactly, do men like blowjobs?
A. It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Five minutes of peace and quiet.
Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
A. One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated.
Make a Blowjob - Drink a Blowjob
One Shot Glass
Layer Accordingly:
1/2 oz
Kahlua
1/2 oz Bailey's
1/2 oz Amaretto
Top with Whipped Cream
and Shoot
The Old Man and his Blow Job from Hell
This dude goes to hell and is met by the devil, who
explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall
being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new
guy immediately asks to see the third room.
It has a really old guy
chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at
the change and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on
the shoulder and says "okay, stop now, you've been relieved".
Quite possibly the Best Blow Job Ever!
One day a man went on a business trip to Florida.
He had saw this
hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker replied "100
Bucks"
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid
for that by giving hand jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the
best hand he had ever had.
The next day he sees her and asks "How much
for a head job?"
She said "200 dollars"
"200 dollars that's a
lot of money"
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by
the pier, I paid for that big fucking boat by giving blow jobs."
So he gives her
the money, and get the best head of his life
On his last day in
Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the blow job
was outstanding, How much for the whole package."
"1000 dollars'
"1000
dollars that's a lot of god damn money"
So she pulled him to side and
said "You see that island, I could afford that if I only had a pussy."
Time for Blow Job Battle of the Sexes!
Breaking down the rules and guidlines about Oral Complacency
Anatomy of a Blow Job as Deciphered by Men and Women
The hot shot chicks of earth come forward and speak out as to the true
feelings, fears, emotions, and complexities of performing and receiving oral sex
"Ok gentlemen, listen up!"
- First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
- Extension to rule1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
- I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard
practice to cum on someone's face.
- Extension to rule 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
- My ears are NOT handles.
- Extension to rule 5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really
WANT puke on your dick?
- I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
- Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right
now.
- Extension to 8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if
you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
- If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.
- Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,
watch TV, etc...immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would
like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
- If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule 2 about gratitude.
- No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.
- No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink,
etc...
- When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.
- Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
kissit good morning".
The true earth rulers retaliate
- First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will
find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
- Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish
- You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to
you?
- I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful
I'm not pulling your hair.
- If you ever tell me what to say and not to say to my friends again, you
won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your
teeth...because you won't have any.
- Maybe if you brushed your teeth and got the dick off your breath we
would stick around afterward.
- When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the
only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.
- Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you
need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
- You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get
the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
- At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth
- Play with the balls, nuture the balls, LOVE - the balls
- No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
- Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our
friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
- Caress the ass, too, we like that.
- Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now,
but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action,
gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
- If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on
your face, now will you?
Leave the thinking to us, okay girls?
When Potentail Blowjob Turns to a "Blow It"
This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and
when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to
her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy?!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowjob...I know you'll like
it too."
"NO! I've said NO!"
"Baby...don't be like that."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with
hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says: "Dad says either you blow him, I blow
him, or he'll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your
boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
Useless statistics women might find useful
Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: one to two teaspoons.
Oral BlowJob Related Averages
- Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7200.
- Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2000.
- Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons.
- Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour.
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Singles from around the world are doing it! Cyber Dating is growing increasingly popular with single men and women of all age groups, religions, gender and ethnicites. It's quick, easy and compared to the local pick-up bar scene, very inexpensive and a lot less smokey! That's why so many are turning their heart to online photo personals. All of the major services are hooking up millions of singles across the globe.
A few tips you might consider before taking the plunge into the world of CyberDating:
- You can weed out people not considered ideal candidates for a date by their online responses. Ask questions about hobbies, career, education, family relationships, political interests, and other reasonably personal questions.
-
There's a lot less pressure. If you decide not to follow-up with somebody, you can always just ignore incoming e-mails. There's no need to make up some excuse. Just click on delete and move on.
-
Online personals are much more convenient. At a bar, people are pressed to find somebody within a certain time range, between the hours of 8:00 p.m. and 2:00 a.m., for example. I am sure you have seen the "desperate hour" right before closing at a singles type bar. Visitors to online personal sites can browse a wide selection of candidates at their own convenience – in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.
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There is a huge selection of singles online. You can scan hundreds of photos and bios in a very short period of time.
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It's easier to custom-tailor your search online. On Dateable.com, for example, we offer have Romantic Writings and other topical sections and forums where people with similar interests can have stimulating conversations from the very beginning.
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Ask if the dating service you are thinking about using provides anonymous e-mail, so you don't have to reveal your identity. Setting up a free e-mail account for that purpose can protect your privacy if they do not provide anonymous e-mail.
-
Internet dating bides you time to find out more about this person. For example, if you're leery of someone you have met, you might want to do a background verification check. If a creditor, the police or a spouse is looking for your potential love interest, why go after this person when he or she is already wanted?
Dating online can be daunting and first dates can be intimadating. So what are you to do? Here is a few more dating tips to start the year out right!
Meet your date out and drive yourself. If you want to bail out early, you won't be trapped. Also, when you have your own car. If things work out, you won't have any worries about inviting your date in or not. This helps protect you from your own impulses, because what's worse then "will he respect me in the morning?" is "How much will I hate myself when I wake up?". Also when you have your own car, no need to worry about safety, your date does not know where you live. This protects you from a date turned bad turning in to a stalking nightmare.
Keep the date simple. You're nervous enough without making a big show, plus you don't want to lock yourself in to an evening you won't enjoy.
Men should always end the date first. You will make yourself stand out, and make her want that next one!
Women, don't wear anything low cut or short. It sounds like an old cliché but your first date knows very little about the woman you are. He will take you at face value and you don't want to give the wrong impression.
A friend of mine went out for dinner on a blind date. She is a very conservative women, who really likes to take her time in relationships. All of us who know her know this about her. Her date didn't. She went out on the date wearing a sexy low cut cocktail dress. They went to dinner, had a wonderful evening, and when he walked her to her door, he pounced on her! She was of course surprised and upset, but her date didn't know her, he just took her at face value.
Wear clothing that you are comfortable and confident in. First dates are uncomfortable enough without a tight belt biting you around the waist.
Men, be specific about where you are going. This will make the date more comfortable, and will prevent her from wearing a cocktail dress when you are taking her bowling.
Ask about your date. Each of us knows we are the most interesting subject :) But the most interesting conversationalists are people who ask about others. Great light topics are work, hobbies, sports, kids (if they have any).
You gals, easy on the perfume. You want to knock his socks off, but you don't want to knock him out!
Don't forget to use mouthwash before you go out, not a bad idea to sneak some breath mints along, just in case.
Don't order sloppy food. If you are not paying for what you order, try to stay in the middle of the menu.
Keep the conversation light! Don't talk or ask about old boyfriends, girlfriends, or ex-spouse. This is a first date, not a therapy session.
Find out about your dates eating habits before you plan the evening. Make sure you choose a place where they will be able to find something to eat.
Be attentive! There is nothing worse then a date peering over your shoulder making you feel as if they are looking for something better.
If you are not paying be considerate of what you order. Try to stay in the middle of the menu.
And last, but not least, have fun, be polite, and be yourself! (hopefully you're a polite person) :-)
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